Transgendered Transient

It's not easy being a transgender transient
It takes work to have style on the streets
And even then the most I can accomplish is a sort of hobo chic
But if you have a problem with me you can derelique my balls.

It's not easy knowing I could hide in wasp's clothing, hold an occupation serving in glorious serfdom, shut my mouth regarding the pain and corruption targeting minorities who can't hide like me in a hive caked not in honey but in silence. I can pretend I am just the same as all of them, receive a certified assurance of security for the all time low price of my liberty. 50% off today only.

It's not easy feeling too ashamed sometimes to admit I woke up under a bridge today, thankful to god to be there because I've been caught in the rain, the snow and the cold before, not sure if I'd make it to morning or give in to exposure.
But if I tell you, you'll ask me why, why do you do this to yourself? Clean up, get a job and an apartment so you can barely afford rent on a box that sits vacant. Why do you do this to yourself? Get some bills, get a debt, pay some taxes, there's a war happening and we can't terrorize civilians without your help. Don't do this to yourself!Have some self-respect. Serve some fast food, the industry's striking so they're sure to hire you. Seek treatment, find a program, you must be insane and on drugs to sleep in the rain. Why do you do this to yourself?

What do I say? No, I'm not on drugs, I just smoke weed but you better be crazy to survive a day here. There's nothing rational about the spiritual castle I erect out of magic to cancel the cold and the wet, the lonely and dark, frozen near dead with miles ahead I'll get there even if my carbon can't make it because I'm crazy enough. I bring safety with me when I travel and I place it wherever I sit like a paper weight lantern whether I'll get fucked with or not. I don't give a shit. I know my rights and they weren't given to me, they aren't written like laminated privileges, my ancestors stole my freedom, they turned themselves into citizens.

You can hate me but I swear you can't hate me more than I dared to the night I finally understood why it only feels like I'm in a costume after the time comes to resume wearing male apparel. Maybe no one else cared but I felt greater fear than I knew how to bear so I buried the feeling that I was living in error, I held back my tears and shrugged off the pressure, erecting a club with self rejection to batter and beat myself up in my sleep.

And I hit harder than those skinhead thugs did the night they broke my nose and chipped my teeth and tore out my hair and told me to get on my knees. They told me to grovel and plead. But I refused, I told them if I'm going to die tonight I die on my feet. The truth is you can't scare me more than I dare to, I bring my own terror, my nightmare's alive and breathing my air repeating a curse to convince me I'm not worth it. I'm more afraid of wearing mascara than spraying a payload mace at the tweakers that wanted to scar lessons on my friends face. They told me to walk away, they thought I would listen but I couldn't, how could I? I stayed, I pulled out my mace and aimed for their eyes but they took it in stride and took out their knives and chased us until our bodies were made of adrenaline, a coping mechanism to stay a foot in front of a monster made of methamphetamine. They were going to let me go. I could have died. Why did I come back for a guy I didn't even like?

My mother told me I'm incorrigible. To vacate feeling responsible because I wouldn't let her control me she concluded that I'm simply not correctible but if I were incapable of improving I wouldn't be breathing because it's a lie that life gives nothing you can't handle. The truth is to live through this bullshit that floods through existence we must evolve into unrecognition. I used to be an arachnophobe until I got bugs three times and now I still won't cut my hair but I find spiders adorable.

My mastery is alchemy and I'll transform right in front of you, I have to because some younger version of myself is sitting somewhere licking a pistol lollipop wondering how many licks it'll take before things taste sweeter.

I know it isn't easy being one of nature's experiments. But you're not a mutant and your experiment can only fail if you let fear conform you until you've grown identical to the control group. I know I can hide in wasp's clothing and pretend I don't suffer with you but I won't abandon the lantern and leave you with no one to show you--I don't even know you but I know this: happiness has nothing to do with lying to yourself.

I'm not perfect, I never will be but you can't judge me more than I judged myself.
I stole my own joy deceiving myself into believing that face blinking back from the mirror was supposed to be growing a beard and broad shoulders and look hard and rough and all scarred up. I live the regret knowing I built barriers with black magic to protect the part of me I couldn't love while a testosterone brush coated my body like parking lot crust over top wild buds because I couldn't find my courage early enough but I'm calling my bluff, my goal is happiness and my fear is screaming, the cement is giving to self respect seeds, the concrete is splitting and beautiful things are spilling from me.

I may not be a real man like you, but that's because to you manhood's a prop to make you finally feel powerful, you use it to hide yourself from your cowardice so you call women bitches because that way at least you can subjugate something. I call last night my bitch because it tried to destroy me and I still woke up under that bridge. It doesn't matter how, I woke up. I carry a lantern called manhood, my father gave me the tools in my attitude to protect what I love from being misused or disposed of, from being caught in the cold and the wet. Fear may be breathing your words and stealing your air but I'm still here and I'm not giving up yet.

I may not be a real woman like you, but if you can't accept me maybe it's because you can't stand it knowing this poser is prettier than you. Even if your cheekbones are better your soul's in the gutter, you've forgotten your power when you let other people assign what your value is. You don't have to be perfect but respect yourself enough not to project your own self contempt or I'll be required to call you an "it" because no real man calls a girl bitch and no real woman takes that shit.

It's not easy being transgendered but your skin is only momentary, your personality's imaginary and you set your own boundaries. Your gender is only binary because you've been taught believe in things that divide and conquer you. Truth is what you choose. If you don't like the rules then stop playing by them.

It's not easy being transient but the only reason for your system to be monetary is to scare you from throwing out your batteries, taking off your training wheels and stepping out of boundaries to find where your true power lies. It doesn't matter what the facts describe, only your attitude can hold the light. Put it to the test and you can show the rest how to defeat the things that want you to cower and plead. Show me because sometimes I'm still too scared to be free. Show anyone that wants to stop you, show them they can kill you but if they kill you, you die on your feet.